For the last several years I have been on a journey of finding my solace. In doing so, it has been a roller coaster full of emotion. In my quest for finding peace in my soul, I made the decision to leave the Mormon church. No more excuses, no more cover ups, just me owning what I believe. Leaving the church wasn't a decision that I made lightly. It has been a part of my life for 40 years. It is all I have ever known. It was how I was raised. I believed it. Not knowing why I believed it, I just had a "feeling" that I was doing the right thing. That "feeling" changed. I started questioning what I was feeling. I wasn't the cookie cutter Mormon girl that I was supposed to be. I dated the Non-Mormon boys in school, partied in college and did the things that the "typical" mormon girl should never do. The guilt that I carried for years was no way to live. It wasn't until several years ago a conversation I had left me feeling that I had to find out for myself. I have no desire to bash the Mormon church. I love it. But loving the church has nothing to do with whether or not it spoke to my soul. I love the friendships that I have made and the relationships that I cherish all because of the church. I have no desire to argue my side. Many friends and family will disagree with my decision. I'm ok with it. It's hard to argue someones opinion. I want a difference to be just that, a difference that doesn't distance me from others. The reality for me was years of questioning, research and truth seeking to come to the conclusion of leaving the church. It was gut wrenching and all consuming. I have gone through every stage of grief in making my decision. I have been in denial for years, not wanting to know the truth. I knew deep down that being a fence sitter wasn't healthy. I have been angry. I have felt lied to and cheated on. Going through the emotions of feeling like I have wasted so many years of my life to a belief that simply wasn't true. I made life decisions based on that false belief. I bargained with myself, my husband and with my children. Wondering if I could just attend church once in awhile maybe that would help. If I just baptized my child so he's not the ONLY one in his friend group to be left out. Watching my little guy cry himself to sleep at night because he is so sad that he's THE ONLY ONE that isn't baptized. My son who is kind, respectful, and works hard to do what is right will not be serving a mission. I refuse to believe that God will be angry with him.
I believe that there is no single path back to our Heavenly Father. There aren't specific steps to ensure our salvation. Everyone is on their own path to finding God. Aren't we all just doing the best we can? I don't believe that my Heavenly Father will judge me and reprimand me for not dragging six kids to church every week. I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am as Christ-like as anyone else, yet the church is telling me that I won't live with God if I don't do certain things or take certain steps? I don't buy it! I will raise my children to be good people. To be honest in their daily dealings. To be kind and non-judgmental. I want my children to grow up without the judgement that comes when we are taught that our way is right and by default, everyone is wrong. Drinking coffee, tea, someone who smokes, has tattoos, gay, shopping on Sundays, wearing garments, WHATEVER it is, Who are we to judge? God is not a bureaucrat requiring secret handshakes and code words. He does not require a mountain of empty acts and hollow words. He has already told us all that we need to know concerning what he requires of us, LOVE ONE ANOTHER and LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF. No judgements, no requirements for a signed card in your pocket or a title attached to your name. Love ALL HIS CHILDREN, ALL his children so that you may be loved as well. It's that simple. Period.
Finding my solace, my path, my truth is something that has been very liberating. To be able to live my life for myself and to raise my children to be spiritual little humans and hope they too can find their peace their OWN way. Religion is not a rat race. Every one of us is different and I for one am grateful for my free agency to choose what will be best for me and my family. I want my children to follow the path that is right for them. I want them to trust that being true to themselves is being true to God. I want them to worship in a way that is right for them and whatever way they choose I will support them. I will raise my children to be open minded, honest, transparent, loving, kind and most of all ACCEPTING. I am teaching my children the importance of loving others, giving of ourselves, forgiving those who have wronged us and to seek forgiveness when they wrong others. I want them to do what is right and to turn away from evil, seeking a relationship with God. Teaching them to spend time in prayer and living a life inspired by Jesus.
"You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be."-Marianne Williamson
I love this quote. I have a new way of thinking. I am on a path to trusting myself. I am done trying to figure out who is with me and who is against me. I am finished walking down the middle because I don't have enough guts to pick a side. I am done with anything that doesn't bring me peace. Opinions are a dime a dozen, validation is for parking and loyalty isn't just a word, but a lifestyle. Life is too short to leave the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. For now, I am trusting my inner guidance on my new journey. Change is hard. Being different is difficult. I am not afraid to own my truth. Conviction in my beliefs allows me to stand tall regardless of whether they are accepted or not. As a dear friend once told me, "We are all just walking each other home." In my heart, there is nothing more true than that statement.
I am so thankful for my husband who reached this point earlier than me and has supported me through all my ups and downs. I am grateful for my brothers and my sister in laws for being my sounding board when I have felt helpless. My parents who love me unconditional. I am so blessed to have supportive friends and family who love me no matter what religion I am. I ask for your respect as God guides my family on our journey toward truth and happiness.
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