Peace

I am a worrier.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  I know it's not healthy.  I know I need to change, yet I have no clue how.  My mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario.  I can't sleep.  I won't be able to eat.  I literally shut down.  
When my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer three years ago I was a complete mess.  I wasn't able to function.  Sleeping was non existent. Many late nights spent on the computer figuring out how I was going to help him.  Which only ended up making my anxiety ten times worse.  Realizing that there was nothing I was going to be able to do for my dad but be there for him.  Remaining positive was the ONLY thing I focused on.  Around him I put on my brave face.  Behind closed doors I would cry and pray for him.  Peace was something that I had a hard time grasping.  
Fast forward to last week when I got the call from my mom telling me my grandpas cancer was back and it was back with a vengeance.  The mean kind of cancer that makes him hurt all over because it has spread to his bones, hip, spine and chest.  The kind of cancer that radiation should help with some of his pain, but not cure.  As I headed down to his house with my family I was at a loss for words.  My grandpa is 88 years old.  He has lived an incredible life.  My grandma and Grandpa have been married over 60 years.  My mind was flooded with the memories I have with him.  Great memories.  Memories that I have shared with my kids over and over again.  As we sat in his living room, the same living room that I have sat in hundreds of times before the feeling was somber.  Watching my dad and grandpa emotional was something I wasn't prepared for.  I also wasn't prepared for my dad to ask me to say a prayer before they began grandpas priesthood blessing.  I kept saying to myself, "why the hell is he having ME say a prayer?"  There was no time to prepare no time to think just time to fold our arms, bow our heads and pray.  I don't remember much of anything I said.  I don't remember hearing anything in that room other than my voice.  After my prayer, my dad gave my grandpa a beautiful blessing.   A blessing full of hope and love.

As I have had time to reflect back on last week, the one thing I do remember saying in my prayer was believing in the power of prayer.  If there is one thing I have a strong belief of it's praying to God and knowing he can hear and answer my prayers.  I am hopeful there is life after death.  Obviously, I don't know for sure, but believing that I will see my loved ones again is the only way that I am going to get through this life.  Without that hope or belief,  life for me would be hopeless. I have a difficult time finding peace in my heart.  Peace that I know is out there, I just haven't been able to get to a point of allowing my soul to feel it.  The worry I constantly feel is no way to live.  I worry every day when my kids leave for school that today might be the last day I see them.  I worry every time my teenager gets in a car that he makes it home in one piece.  When my husband leaves for work, my parents, family members, you name it I worry about them.  
It wasn't until Sunday Night when I was talking to my dad about how anxious I am about everything. He said, "I know a girl who prayed for that peace for her grandpa the other night and I know it would work for you too.  Just ask!"

It shook me to my core.  Why has it never dawned on me to pray for MYSELF?  To ask God to help ME find peace?  Peace in my life isn't necessarily an absence of conflict or hardship.  It is believing that I have what I need to endure it!

As I prayed that night, things that felt heavy and complicated seemed to dwindle.  Stresses and worries that felt so urgent and heavy fell away.  It was almost like God was telling me...FINALLY you come to me to ask me for help.  My answer came with peace.  The strongest peace.  Not an understanding of what to do, or even that I could do it all.  But If I just give it all I have, he will help me with the rest. The funny thing is, he has always been there.  All along.  Because all along I seem to pray for miracles that make things less complicated and less hard but that's not always what's in our future.

 With my decision to leave the mormon church, I have always known that God will still love me.  It is obvious to me that he knows my heart.  God sees me.  I know he cannot promise me a life without heartache or hardships, loneliness, doubt, temptation, sickness, etc.  But it was clear to me that no matter what I am going through, I can surely ENDURE it.  All it took was a humble prayer and a hopeful heart.  I am going to take what I get, then get to work.  Work on loving my family, living each day with hope, love and PEACE.  We are all going to pass away at some point.  We don't know when that day will be.  If I can do anything for my children, It would be to raise them with the knowledge that God loves them and sees them.  That the power of Prayer is real.  You just have to ask.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.  And that my friends is exactly what I am going to do.  Wish me luck.