Peace

I am a worrier.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  I know it's not healthy.  I know I need to change, yet I have no clue how.  My mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario.  I can't sleep.  I won't be able to eat.  I literally shut down.  
When my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer three years ago I was a complete mess.  I wasn't able to function.  Sleeping was non existent. Many late nights spent on the computer figuring out how I was going to help him.  Which only ended up making my anxiety ten times worse.  Realizing that there was nothing I was going to be able to do for my dad but be there for him.  Remaining positive was the ONLY thing I focused on.  Around him I put on my brave face.  Behind closed doors I would cry and pray for him.  Peace was something that I had a hard time grasping.  
Fast forward to last week when I got the call from my mom telling me my grandpas cancer was back and it was back with a vengeance.  The mean kind of cancer that makes him hurt all over because it has spread to his bones, hip, spine and chest.  The kind of cancer that radiation should help with some of his pain, but not cure.  As I headed down to his house with my family I was at a loss for words.  My grandpa is 88 years old.  He has lived an incredible life.  My grandma and Grandpa have been married over 60 years.  My mind was flooded with the memories I have with him.  Great memories.  Memories that I have shared with my kids over and over again.  As we sat in his living room, the same living room that I have sat in hundreds of times before the feeling was somber.  Watching my dad and grandpa emotional was something I wasn't prepared for.  I also wasn't prepared for my dad to ask me to say a prayer before they began grandpas priesthood blessing.  I kept saying to myself, "why the hell is he having ME say a prayer?"  There was no time to prepare no time to think just time to fold our arms, bow our heads and pray.  I don't remember much of anything I said.  I don't remember hearing anything in that room other than my voice.  After my prayer, my dad gave my grandpa a beautiful blessing.   A blessing full of hope and love.

As I have had time to reflect back on last week, the one thing I do remember saying in my prayer was believing in the power of prayer.  If there is one thing I have a strong belief of it's praying to God and knowing he can hear and answer my prayers.  I am hopeful there is life after death.  Obviously, I don't know for sure, but believing that I will see my loved ones again is the only way that I am going to get through this life.  Without that hope or belief,  life for me would be hopeless. I have a difficult time finding peace in my heart.  Peace that I know is out there, I just haven't been able to get to a point of allowing my soul to feel it.  The worry I constantly feel is no way to live.  I worry every day when my kids leave for school that today might be the last day I see them.  I worry every time my teenager gets in a car that he makes it home in one piece.  When my husband leaves for work, my parents, family members, you name it I worry about them.  
It wasn't until Sunday Night when I was talking to my dad about how anxious I am about everything. He said, "I know a girl who prayed for that peace for her grandpa the other night and I know it would work for you too.  Just ask!"

It shook me to my core.  Why has it never dawned on me to pray for MYSELF?  To ask God to help ME find peace?  Peace in my life isn't necessarily an absence of conflict or hardship.  It is believing that I have what I need to endure it!

As I prayed that night, things that felt heavy and complicated seemed to dwindle.  Stresses and worries that felt so urgent and heavy fell away.  It was almost like God was telling me...FINALLY you come to me to ask me for help.  My answer came with peace.  The strongest peace.  Not an understanding of what to do, or even that I could do it all.  But If I just give it all I have, he will help me with the rest. The funny thing is, he has always been there.  All along.  Because all along I seem to pray for miracles that make things less complicated and less hard but that's not always what's in our future.

 With my decision to leave the mormon church, I have always known that God will still love me.  It is obvious to me that he knows my heart.  God sees me.  I know he cannot promise me a life without heartache or hardships, loneliness, doubt, temptation, sickness, etc.  But it was clear to me that no matter what I am going through, I can surely ENDURE it.  All it took was a humble prayer and a hopeful heart.  I am going to take what I get, then get to work.  Work on loving my family, living each day with hope, love and PEACE.  We are all going to pass away at some point.  We don't know when that day will be.  If I can do anything for my children, It would be to raise them with the knowledge that God loves them and sees them.  That the power of Prayer is real.  You just have to ask.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.  And that my friends is exactly what I am going to do.  Wish me luck.
  

My Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.  You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed and you learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.  Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. Author Unknown While cleaning out closets today I found this paper that completely spoke to my heart.  I had to share.  Such sound advice. I am starting my 2018 year off by purging things we don't need.  I started in the playroom going through hundreds of toys that the kids don't play with or have forgotten about.  Greg and I really scaled back this year on Christmas and yet I still felt like it was too much.  I am wanting/trying to teach my children the importance of giving.  Why is it so difficult for them to see the big picture?  Growing up, my mom would have us do the twelve days of Christmas to some elderly neighbors of ours.  Year after year, the excitement and anticipation of running our little gift in the snow filled streets.   Quietly running up to the door, ringing the doorbell, and hiding nearby.  Waiting while my heart beat so fast not wanting to be caught.  Listening to our sweet neighbors answer the door and yell "Merry Christmas" will be a memory I will never forget.  The simplicity of giving someone joy, yet looking back, it was my siblings and I who benefited the most. My focus word for this new year is embrace.  After much thought, I finally narrowed it down.  Embrace the suck, embrace my journey, embrace the challenges ahead, embrace all that this world has to offer.  I am still working through my thoughts and embracing my new found freedom.  I started cleaning out our office tonight.  I had so many religious books that I didn't want anymore.  I found myself feeling guilty for wanting to get rid of them.  Most of these books are brand new and have never been opened.  They have sat on our office shelves for years.  One quick text and I found a good home for them.  For some reason I felt better knowing they were going to a good home.  Call me crazy.  It is such a process trying to "free" myself from feeling pressure or guilt of wanting to do things my way. Everyone has been so supportive of me and my new journey.  I have been blessed with some pretty amazing friends and family.  Life is hard.  Yet on the flip side life can be so wonderful.  The Dalai Lama said it best, "I believe that the only true religion consists of having a good heart."  I couldn't agree more.  I am hopeful for 2018.  I have so much to work on personally.  Lots and lots of goals to accomplish.  I have to remind myself daily...baby steps.

Finding My Solace

For the last several years I have been on a journey of finding my solace.  In doing so, it has been a roller coaster full of emotion.  In my quest for finding peace in my soul, I made the decision to leave the Mormon church.  No more excuses, no more cover ups, just me owning what I believe.  Leaving the church wasn't a decision that I made lightly.  It has been a part of my life for 40 years.  It is all I have ever known.  It was how I was raised.  I believed it.  Not knowing why I believed it, I just had a "feeling" that I was doing the right thing.  That "feeling" changed.  I started questioning what I was feeling.  I wasn't the cookie cutter Mormon girl that I was supposed to be.  I dated the Non-Mormon boys in school, partied in college and did the things that the "typical" mormon girl should never do.  The guilt that I carried for years was no way to live.  It wasn't until several years ago a conversation I had left me feeling that I had to find out for myself.  I have no desire to bash the Mormon church.  I love it.  But loving the church has nothing to do with whether or not it spoke to my soul.  I love the friendships that I have made and the relationships that I cherish all because of the church.  I have no desire to argue my side.  Many friends and family will disagree with my decision.  I'm ok with it.  It's hard to argue someones opinion.  I want a difference to be just that, a difference that doesn't distance me from others.  The reality for me was years of questioning, research and truth seeking to come to the conclusion of leaving the church.  It was gut wrenching and all consuming.  I have gone through every stage of grief in making my decision.  I have been in denial for years, not wanting to know the truth.  I knew deep down that being a fence sitter wasn't healthy.  I have been angry.  I have felt lied to and cheated on.  Going through the emotions of feeling like I have wasted so many years of my life to a belief that simply wasn't true.  I made life decisions based on that false belief.  I bargained with myself, my husband and with my children.  Wondering if I could just attend church once in awhile maybe that would help.  If I just baptized my child so he's not the ONLY one in his friend group to be left out.  Watching my little guy cry himself to sleep at night because he is so sad that he's THE ONLY ONE that isn't baptized.  My son who is kind, respectful, and works hard to do what is right will not be serving a mission.  I refuse to believe that God will be angry with him.

I believe that there is no single path back to our Heavenly Father.  There aren't specific steps to ensure our salvation.  Everyone is on their own path to finding God.  Aren't we all just doing the best we can?  I don't believe that my Heavenly Father will judge me and reprimand me for not dragging six kids to church every week.  I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am as Christ-like as anyone else, yet the church is telling me that I won't live with God if I don't do certain things or take certain steps?  I don't buy it!  I will raise my children to be good people.  To be honest in their daily dealings.  To be kind and non-judgmental.  I want my children to grow up without the judgement that comes when we are taught that our way is right and by default, everyone is wrong.  Drinking coffee, tea, someone who smokes, has tattoos, gay, shopping on Sundays, wearing garments, WHATEVER it is, Who are we to judge?  God is not a bureaucrat requiring secret handshakes and code words.  He does not require a mountain of empty acts and hollow words.  He has already told us all that we need to know concerning what he requires of us, LOVE ONE ANOTHER and LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF.   No judgements, no requirements for a signed card in your pocket or a title attached to your name.  Love ALL HIS CHILDREN,  ALL his children so that you may be loved as well.  It's that simple.  Period.

Finding my solace, my path, my truth is something that has been very liberating.  To be able to live my life for myself and to raise my children to be spiritual little humans and hope they too can find their peace their OWN way.  Religion is not a rat race.  Every one of us is different and I for one am grateful for my free agency to choose what will be best for me and my family.   I want my children to follow the path that is right for them.  I want them to trust that being true to themselves is being true to God. I want them to worship in a way that is right for them and whatever way they choose I will support them.  I will raise my children to be open minded, honest, transparent, loving, kind and most of all ACCEPTING.  I am teaching my children the importance of loving others, giving of ourselves, forgiving those who have wronged us and to seek forgiveness when they wrong others.  I want them to do what is right and to turn away from evil, seeking a relationship with God.  Teaching them to spend time in prayer and living a life inspired by Jesus.

"You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be."-Marianne Williamson

I love this quote.  I have a new way of thinking.  I am on a path to trusting myself.  I am done trying to figure out who is with me and who is against me.  I am finished walking down the middle because I don't have enough guts to pick a side.  I am done with anything that doesn't bring me peace.  Opinions are a dime a dozen, validation is for parking and loyalty isn't just a word, but a lifestyle.  Life is too short to leave the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket.  For now, I am trusting my inner guidance on my new journey.  Change is hard.  Being different is difficult.  I am not afraid to own my truth.  Conviction in my beliefs allows me to stand tall regardless of whether they are accepted or not.  As a dear friend once told me, "We are all just walking each other home."  In my heart, there is nothing more true than that statement.

I am so thankful for my husband who reached this point earlier than me and has supported me through all my ups and downs.  I am grateful for my brothers and my sister in laws for being my sounding board when I have felt helpless.  My parents who love me unconditional.  I am so blessed to have supportive friends and family who love me no matter what religion I am.  I ask for your respect as God guides my family on our journey toward truth and happiness.